A Thoughtless Struggle for Identity

NOTE: These are personal musings regarding the community, and may or may not be true for all.


Changeable. Lost. Fluffy. These are terms I have heard used to describe myself, and those like myself. They hold negative connotations in the community, and yet those in person find my being changeable oddly alluring. It's a simple fact that my mind works this way, and it's not uncommon to hear others with similar experiences. Some quit, others settle on "lack of identity", and others continue to search. Some even see themselves as psychological polymorphs. Whatever the "answer", it's always similar...Or is it?

To grasp such a concept of self is impossible. We can never truly settle on one thing. We cannot fit a label, instead we must make it fit us, as we are far too complex. Indeed, I think many otherkin (including myself) frequently make the mistake of trying to fit a label...like the cliche concept of a square peg in a round hole.

We as people are imperfect creatures, yet we are far from realizing this. We strive for an identity, a job, an education that fits. Sometimes it seems as if we are trying to represent ourselves in much of what we do, whether or not these representations are really ourselves. A teenage boy might want a sports car to show off to the girls...to look impressive. Yet this is not necessarily him. It's what he wants to be. In a similar sense, furries often choose glamorous animals..dragons, gryphons, wolves, and foxes. Otherkin are rarely insects, rarely anything small, meek, and the like. Is this because we don't identify with such creatures because they are so different in mindset? Perhaps. Is it our ego? Maybe. Or maybe those who really are insects or arachnids are far from willing to come out as such for fear of rejection.

Indeed what does qualify as identity? What isn't fluffy? I think that's in the eye of the beholder. No one will agree completely. Perhaps it's all the pressure in such communities as otherkin, pressure to find oneself, one's kintype...that may lead some to a spiral of confusion. So why not live and let live? Why not accept that, for example, "I am a unicorn, but that's not all there is to me". I'm still learning to do this. We're all still learning to do this. Of course, how many of us realize that everything we do has some ingrained importance. It may all just be a struggle for status, and thoughtless identity.

I am a unicorn. I AM an animal.

I have been debating a lot of things lately. My mind has scanned over self, my thoughts pondering the seemingly incomprehensible. I know I'm a unicorn. Yet, there is something more feral, more animal than that, and it tugs at my very being. It could be the unicorn. In fact, unicorns could be considered feral, as they are said to be impossible to catch. Yet this is a more furred, more aggressive creature. While unicorn to me is a more magical, mystical, and (perhaps) a sentient being, there is feral anger, feral aggressiveness, territorial nature, separate from the calm depths of being unicorn. There is something on the "outside" OF myself, whereas unicorn is on the inside OF myself.

To explain further, I do not believe this presence to be distinct from me. In fact, I am this presence. It is as if my feral behaviors may mean something, may be something, beyond autism. My mentality is animal, I am sure of that, and that mentality is always there. I see through feral eyes every minute, whether I am consciously aware of it or not.

If I had to describe my experiences and feelings, I would say that unicorn is eternal. It is my soul, it is my kintype, the past, the etheric present, and my inner true being. Yet all around, within me, something else surrounds the unicorn. It is an animal that I am yet unaware of the species of. It causes me to growl, both awake and while asleep. It causes me to (naturally) lash out with claws and teeth when I am angry, to playfully nip, to nuzzle when in love, and whimper when I am upset. Possessiveness of food, and lack of tail are my burdens and faults. Many of these things are unacceptable in human society, and I must learn to control. However, I digress...

At times I don't know what to make of all this. I don't see myself identifying as anything beyond unicorn at core essence, and what surrounds it as the present: the animal. The animal is not quite an identity so much as a mentality, the way I think. It's what I AM presently, whereas the unicorn is what I am, and what I always will be. I do not know that what I AM will always be what I am, however.

Just some incomplete thoughts I had while on a walk...